Immortals review | Chloe

Director: Tarsem Singh; Starring: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, William Hurt, Frieda Pinto

Hear that? Hear that sad, achey, groany creaking noise? Yeah, pretty sure that’s the sound of my taste in movies (reluctantly) maturing.

The movie that did it was Immortals. That’s not to say it pushed my mental boundaries or gave my intellect a good work-out, causing my taste in film to mature in the process. No – this film made me realize that, sometime fairly recently, rousing pre-battle speeches, lots of talking about ‘being a man’, sweaty sword fighting, one-dimensional romances and father-issues that involve actual Gods stopped floating my cinematic boat.

Immortals does have all of the above, but it’s not always a bad thing (exception: one-dimensional romance). Of course, rousing pre-battle speeches are something we’ve come to expect from this kind of movie, and this one definitely delivers its own – for about the first forty seconds. Beyond that, it gets a bit lengthy and, honestly, a bit embarrassing. However, the film’s star, Henry Cavill, playing a rugged and beautiful Theseus (unknowingly trained by Zeus in the human guise of William Hurt = epic skillz with a sword), is so good in the role that he’s really what makes the whole thing as watchable as it is. Heroic without being stupid, handsome without being smug, likeable, good guy, total mummy’s boy… and not difficult to watch leaping around shirtless.

Which brings us onto the sweaty sword fighting. Some of the choreography in Immortals is stunning – occasionally I wondered if anyone was actually killed during filming (quick Google – nope), because the stunts, specifically mid-battle, were jaw-on-the-floor epic. It’s the kind of movie that really inspires you to go to gym... But seriously, beyond any shadow of sexuality, athletic people in their physical peak look incredible in 3D. All the limbs and muscles and bones and sinew make the experience visceral.

Stephen Dorff, who I last saw starring in indie Somewhere as a lovable douchebag Hollywood actor, plays a lovable douchebag in Immortals too. In fact, come to think of it, I’ve only ever seen Stephen Dorff playing lovable douchebags… Anyway, here he’s a great counter-part to Cavill’s lovely but boring hero, spitting out one-liners and coming onto Frieda Pinto at every opportunity. Apart from some jarring, too-obviously-modern references, Dorff’s character gives the character line-up a little pizzazz and livens up the otherwise fairly standard-issue proceedings.

Speaking of Frieda Pinto. While no one can deny that she is ridiculously beautiful and I guess likeable as an actress, her character is just boring with zero actual storyline. Here she plays a high priestess whose most crucial possession is her virginity, because it leaves her uncorrupted and able to see her visions of the future. Pretty important, right? Well, what about if I said these visions had saved you and your friends more than twice in the space of a day? Would you just go giving it away? And so we come to one of the more awkward sex scenes ever filmed, with a laughably un-romantic morning-after. In fact, it was almost as if nothing at all had happened. To add to the stupidity of the tacked-on ‘romance’, Theseus and Frieda (did her character even have a name?) cross paths exactly once during the big battle, and only for him to say, “stay where you are.” Be still, my heart. 

One thing that genuinely shocked me about this movie was its incessant violence. And not just the usual shoot-a-few-guys-in-the-head stuff; really sinister, vicariously painful things too. Most of them thought up by/in service of the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke)  – among them a human fry-up, a bit of face-disfigurement,  a confrontation involving part of the male anatomy, a couple of rape threats… One-dimensional baddies are fine because you don’t feel guilty for wanting them dead, but at least give all the other characters enough development so the audience cares whether or not they survive the tyranny.

All in all, not very nutritious brain fodder, nor anything that’ll keep you up at night pondering the intricacies of life or the universe; rather something that looks good enough to hold your attention and is loud enough to keep you awake. But you knew that already.

Verdict: ** ¼